It seems to me that the majority of my friends seek help on love. It’s cliche to some, but it is apparent that it is the avenue most take to become more evolved souls. This isn’t because they end up depending on love or the other person, but rather because they realize it has nothing to do with the other person, and everything to do with you.
As we enter into the new year, plenty of people are thinking about having that “special someone”. Some of you feel lucky, while others feel exasperated and lonely. It seems the holidays can do this to some, and that is a perfectly normal human response. But let’s take that response and use it so you don’t feel so bad anymore, meaning we end up eventually getting what we really want. Ready?
I’m not sure how many times I have said that what you think about, you bring about. If you’re not feeling okay with being lonely, meaning you’re not okay with being with yourself, then you’ll just attract someone with the same qualities, with the following chain of reactions: who will then not feel satisfied with you because how could they, if they can’t be satisfied with themselves? (and vice versa). This is a large hurdle many don’t see, they just assume it can be fixed by finding that “special someone”. But, ah, my friends… the universe and the laws of physics just don’t work that way… even when you think we defied those laws, something will always come out and rear it’s ugly head…
Let’s start with why starting a relationship (or trying to) when you’re not ready might be a bad idea…
1) You’re attracting the worst kind of people… you think you’ve found “the one” and instead you’re finding the snakes… This could be a dangerous time, because out of your desperation, you’re not seeing people for who they really are.
2) You settle. Yup. You settle for the one you think you can’t do better.
3) You can make some pretty dumb mistakes – un-planned pregnancies (out of the need to have someone there permanently because you feel lonely or you’re getting “old”), drunken vegas-style wedding, impromptu engagements (after a short courting period), moving in together – all for the sake that you think you really need someone else in your life to fill it up.
4) You’ll hurt people because later on, you’ll realize they’re not the one. It’s not only painful for them, but in a sense it’ll become painful for you. Guilt eats up everyone, even the unlikely.
5) The dependency factor becomes too heavy, sometimes you’ll be too dependent on that person for your own happiness, and that is not mature love.
So let’s take these reasons and place the positive approach to them:
1) These fatal attractions can be used as your “alarm systems” – When you suddenly come face to face with a “messed up” individual, trust your gut instincts (let’s face it, everyone has them! Use them!), and back off. Then think to yourself “why did I attract them? What is going on inside of me that is manifesting out here?”. Use that to your advantage, because essentially it’s the universe’s way of telling you something is very wrong, and you need to fix it. And plus, it’s easier to fix yourself than trying to fix someone else, so don’t go against the current here.
2) YOU CAN DO BETTER. OK let’s do this together. Ready?
“I DESERVE THE VERY BEST IN MY LIFE! I deserve to be loved, to be admired, and to only attract the very best in my life. I now attract that dream person in my life, and I am very excited to meet them!”
Rinse and repeat.
This is so true. Everyone deserves the best, everyone can have the best, and everyone has the potential for ANYTHING. Use that power to your advantage, and start moving those electrons and waves in the right way. It is only when you believe it that it will happen.
3) Oh, we’ve all seen these in our friends, huh? It’s heartbreaking to watch. First off, I am a bit sensitive (sorry to be partial, but it is my biggest calling – to try to be the best mother possible to my children, and to my pets) about bringing someone else into the mix just to make you feel better and not so alone, especially babies, boyfriends/girlfriends, and even pets. They’re all huge responsibilities, think about it way before hand. A common mistake nowadays has to be “unplanned” pregnancies, which is mainly due to a lax in our society where illegitimacy isn’t viewed as a terrible scandal anymore. To me, I think everything has a blessing in disguise, but the biggest blessing is realizing you can’t try to have a child just to fill some gap in your heart. But I have a deep feeling that that realization comes quickly when you’re up at 2am trying to change the diaper of a colic baby :).
Impromptu engagements have been around for ages. This is normal, but it isn’t fair to your heart, nor to the other person. You really need to see if this is the person you are willing to make a commitment to, and form a balanced family unit with. For this to happen, you need time and patience with yourself first, and then with that person.Don’t worry, time never runs out, because time is just an illusion. Be happy that our dating rules are different than they were 100 years ago, so date someone and really get to know them.
All the other mistakes are tied together. Use these mistakes as your life lessons – what did they teach you? That’s right… desperation leads to idiocy. Learn to be patient in everything you do.
4) This is so heartbreaking for everyone… here’s another lesson to learn: Desperation leads to eventual heartbreak for all parties involved. But I am not a fan of guilt – it doesn’t help you or anyone, so when you feel this gremlin creeping up on you, squash it, because everything happened for a reason.
5) How will you ever be truly, 100% satisfied when you aren’t satisfied enough with yourself? When you didn’t take the time to learn to love you, you won’t ever find the love with someone else, regardless of how nice situations look at the moment. They eventually fall apart because the foundations weren’t laid out or weren’t strong enough. In every relationship where a person wasn’t happy about themselves that I have seen, the dependency factor was huge. They can have a bad day, and depend on the other person to make it better. It doesn’t work that way. Take this as a lesson, and learn to make yourself happy because you are a happy being. And soon, you will see that you don’t depend on your significant other. Trust me when I say that is wayyy more attractive to them than someone who thinks you’re their only hope (sorry Nicholas Sparks).
So please sit there and think about what you have done lately for you. Not for someone else, not to get someone else, but for yourself. I want you to think about how much you enjoy your time alone, where you easily amuse yourself, and those friends of yours that have stuck by you no matter what. Think about those accomplishments in your life where you did them 100% on your own. Did you ever think you had a purpose in life? If so, what do you think it is? Think about the times you were alone and there was no one else there, how did you get through it? Remember, in the pain is the healing. What did your last heartbreak teach you about yourself?
Write these down – look at them over. If you feel a grudge against someone or something, write a nasty letter to them and then burn it. Feel the healing you felt during that. Then look at how much you have accomplished. How amazing you are! Every single person has that special quality.
It is only when you are 100% positive that you deserve the best, because you are the best, that you receive the love everyone so covets.
I love this quote below, but I must tweak it:
Infantile love follows the principle: “I love because I am loved.”
Mature love follows the principle: “I am loved because I love.” – everything about me and around me, which includes you.
Immature love says: “I love you because I need you.”
Mature love says: “I need you because I love you.” – but I can be happy without you because I know the best always comes to me.
So my dear friends, relax and bask in your glory! See the light shining from you. Realize your true self and how wonderful you are.
For the ladies: A famous mentor of mine once told me something that stuck with me. Do work on your self-esteem, if not for yourself, then think about your children (existant or hypothetical), especially if you have daughters. When the mother is insecure, the child, and usually with emphasis on the daughter(s), mirrors the same undesirable quality. So do you want that for your child? (If you want some hardcore help with this, feel free to fill out Dee’s action plan here… She’s the very lady who helped me out.)
When you do work on you… you can move onto the next step… “The List”… ;)… coming soon…